Still Wonder

Weaving words together in my head like some invisible beacon

Meeting your smoke signals

With small smiles

Walking miles through my mind

To find

What the fuck I actually feel

Which impulses are real

And which are desperately trying

To grasp on to that I want the most

Another soul to call home

With the ease

With the kind of peace that

Replenishes

Renews

So deep and

So true

And there’s definitely part of us that got there

Dove so deep we aren’t coming back

That although I swam hard and

Swam away

Broke the surface gasping and grasping

For “not this”

Part of me is still with you

In that abyss

Where we brought both our dreams

And plotted the path

To love

Above it all now

Somehow feels like two realities

One where we stuck it out

Your fire found a wick to burn instead of our forest

I found a voice that soared and roared

Committing to the chorus

Of that knowing

Of growing

Of sewing seeds

Meant to be planted

And nurtured for years

Not just one

And now done

Because the true test

Was really not fun

My wounds

Your weapons

My lesser known deficiencies

Your untamed dependencies

Your weak spots

My reproach

At what point

Do we just sit down and lay it out

Our lessons

Our lesions

Our fears

And regrets

Because I bet now

We’ve read more chapters

And captured a better way

Of living in our own heads

But I’ve told you no

I’ve insisted I’m done

A convenient conviction

I’ve convinced must be right

Just give it time

But the idea sits

Fermenting

Occasionally tormenting

A few sips is intoxicatingly

Transportive

Transcendent

Where we go back

To where we meant it

So I guess this little batch of words

Is my way to repent

To circumvent the responsibility

Of admitting

I do

Still wonder